Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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