Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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