is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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