Sry I called you an 8
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
