someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
