I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
