I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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