Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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