Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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