I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
