Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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