I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
