They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
