Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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