I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
