capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
