Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
