I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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