I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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