if you like me you must not know who I am
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
