I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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