Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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