Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
