i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
