im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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