1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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