Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
