i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
