i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
