I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
