the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
