my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
