Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My liver just had a heart attack.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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