My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize