Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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