I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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