what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
