Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
