Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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