i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
