just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
