win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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