my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
