Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
