today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
