just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize