You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
