i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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