its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
