my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
