I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
