my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
