I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
