You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
