It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
