p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just sucked dick on a ferry
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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