oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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