Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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