Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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