Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
