You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
